Fear in a Handful of Dust
by Milwaukee Meg
Summary: Shinpachi got kidnapped by some thugs. Seven days later he was rescued. This is the aftermath. OR Everyone tries to deal with a very, very close call, and Shinpachi is kind of clueless. Hurt/Comfort, nothing graphic.


Everything hurt.

It wasn't even the good kind of hurt, like after a proper workout or strenuous training session, when each and every aching muscle was a herald of progress, a job well done. No, it was ugly, throbbing pain that made it hard to breathe (or harder to breathe? Somehow?), and even harder to think. Everything hurt, he couldn't move, there was something very, very wrong with the way he kind of couldn't get hold of where (what) was up and down and the sounds around him blended to one screeching blare.

Shinpachi wanted to open his eyes, but he didn't exactly remember how. Huh.

There was something very, very wrong and if Shinpachi could get one, just one, thought together he might even know what. He tried his best to gather the broken pieces of sounds and images and words that were flying around in his mind, but suddenly there was a hand, and oh no they can't he won't let them, he couldn't breathe and there was that suffocating tightness around his throat and everything just hurt, there wasn't enough of anything everything and Shinpachi just wanted…

The pressure eased. He could take one breath. And another. And another. Footsteps. There were footsteps. But also – another breath.

"Danna is going to be pissed" drawled a voice, and Shinpachi could almost grasp the meaning. "They all resisted arrest very, very hard."

There was a loud 'tsk' somewhere near. It was familiar, in a way. "Megane? Oi, Megane, can you hear me?" Fast steps. There were hands, again, but this time raising panic just made everything hurt even more, besides, Shinpachi felt light. He didn't want to move. If he moved he would just fly away and he didn't want to. There was pain and noise and so many voices - he tried to catch them, but the hands didn't want to listen to him; maybe it was for the better, his hands would float away and then he would too. He must have managed to move one arm, though, because Shinpachi suddenly could feel himself touching something warm somewhere to his left. He didn't expect this, and he could feel more than hear the gasp he made.

The other noise was far, far away.

"Yamazaki! Call the ambulance!" "…Harada secured the evidence…" "… probably drugged…" "…calling his sister…" "…I'll go, Kondou-san…" He felt so light. Even that hand that firmly held his (when did that happen) couldn't keep him from floating. He let go.

* * *

For some time there were just snippets; he kind of knew that things were happening, but he could never hold on long enough to understand.

There was a car. Moving. Lights. Someone was still holding his hand. The voices were speaking. There was some white in the corner of his vision – he tried to turn to him, to Gin-san, explain to him…

"You'll see him soon" said someone familiar, and Shinpachi believed.

Then there was a corridor. People over him, hovering, their faces too close for Shinpachi's comfort. Someone was touching his chest. He didn't like it. He tried to say it. He couldn't.

His sister, in the doorway.

Kagura's voice, shouting.

Smell of cigarettes.

Pain.

Someone was holding his hand, talking softly. Aneue.

He woke up.

* * *

It was a bit of touch-and-go, said the doctor later. The injuries were quite extensive, even if nothing was actually broken or ruptured, and even more importantly, the drugs he was given by his kidnappers were quite new to this part of galaxy and their effect on humans was not researched properly. Shinpachi's case provided significant data indicating that this drug should not, in fact, be stored near any human, much less be injected into their bloodstream. All in all, said doctor, Shinpachi was quite a lucky guy to be still here.

Shinpachi knew that. Aneue, who was dutifully sitting in a chair near his bed, smiled only once, just after Shinpachi woke up, and besides her eyes were all puffy and red, what meant it must have been really, really bad.

Sometimes (very, very, very often) Shinpachi hated himself for being so weak he got hurt all the time and made her worry – and lo and behold, this time was now. He was almost glad when the doctor said they were forced to forgo painkillers, due to the drug – Shinpachi deserved that pain (throbbing, encompassing), but on the other hand Aneue didn't deserve to worry about him anymore.

(On occasion (very, very, very rarely) he almost hated Aneue for just accepting without a word his need to go out and get himself into trouble on behalf of others; for being so understanding and tolerant even if it hurt her every time when he inevitably ended up injured. )

She sat with him while he drifted in and out of consciousness, talking about her day, Yorozuya's day, what the weather was, what repairs of dojo were due, and other light topics that buzzed pleasantly in the back of his head. He made an effort to answer as often as he could, given the fact that he was hurting, drowsy and kind of… not here, not entirely. But it made Aneue smile, just a little, and that was worth it.

* * *

Gin-san and Kagura-chan came to visit him together, of course, and were as loud, obnoxious and horrible as always. It was great, even if there were moments when Shinpachi just drifted away and had no idea what they were saying. But he learned how they did a job earlier today (badly), how Gin-san cleaned up the flat (badly), how Kagura tried to give a bath to Sadaharu (that one went so bad that Gin-san had to clean the flat again (and it turned out even worse than before)).

He was also very, very glad that they made an effort to not talk about the time he was kidnapped. He just didn't want to think about it now, and quite frankly couldn't deal with Kagura's rough love. She would probably punch him for worrying her and Gin-san. He deserved that, of course, but maybe not now.

Also, Gin-san was weird, all smiles and nervous energy, and figuring that out would take time and much more effort than Shinpachi had to spare.

They would be okay. Not for too long, no, but Shinpachi still had time to just lay there and let himself drift.

* * *

The doctors said it would take two or three days for the drug to leave his system, so Shinpachi resigned himself to half-awaken moments, holes in memory and the fact that he had to concentrate really, really hard if he wanted to participate in a conversation.

His long naps as well as sporadic and usually half-coherent answers didn't stop people from visiting and trying to talk to him, though. His sister was a regular guest, and so were Gintoki and Kagura, of course. But he got visits from Otose and Catherine, who brought some food and the smell of cigarettes; the first was inhaled in a span of seconds by Kagura, second lingered for far too long. Katsura and Elizabeth visited once, and Katsura spurned a long and extremely dramatic tale of how he tried to find him from the moment Gintoki let him know about the whole situation – at some point it devolved into something that was probably a copyright infringement on Fullmetal Alchemist (Fullsilver alchemist? No, better not give Gin-san any ideas) – but he was very, very brutally interrupted by Gintoki kicking him out for sneaking into Shinpachi's room and talking nonsense. Members of Otsuu Imperial Guard also came, teary eyed and way too loud. Kyuubei and Sa-chan visited even though neither Otae nor Gintoki were around at the time. Tsukuyo almost did visit him too, but had a bit of a slapstick-routine with Gintoki on the corridor and got thrown out of the hospital (and so did Seita, who came with her). She fared better than Hasegawa, who, as Shinpachi was told, wasn't let in at all, even though he tried.

The Shinsengumi also visited. Hijikata came twice to ask Shinpachi if he was well enough to give testimony, then each time, not giving time to answer, he scoffed that probably not, and that Shinpachi should not laze around and try to get better as soon as possible. Kondou came (with Sougo in tow, even!), and lo and behold, that old gorilla tried to hit on Shinpachi's sister only once. Yamazaki was around, too, on a lookout in the hospital so he could not visit, but he send a nice 'get well card' (that was filled with the word ANPAN, but it's the thought that matters).

Shinpachi couldn't really wrap his head around it all. But well, he wasn't at his best, was he.

* * *

The visits did not stop even when Shinpachi was slightly better and doctors were absolutely sure there won't be any lasting damage to his nervous system. It was… weird.

"A lot of people are coming to visit me" said Shinpachi tentatively. It came out more like a question than he wanted. Gintoki, whose turn it was to keep Shinpachi company, shifted in his chair, as if this made him physically uncomfortable.

"Well, Pattsuan, you gave us quite a scare. The death of comic relief marks the beginning of a very serious arcs, after all, and it was a bit touch and go for a moment here…"

"Who are you calling a comic relief!" Gintoki didn't answer, what startled Shinpachi. It was a perfect opening! Gin-san never missed a good boke-tsukkomi gag. Unless the things were really serious. And they kind of were, Shinpachi just wanted like to believe they weren't.

They sat there, in silence, for a while. And although they spend many long afternoons in comfortable silence, each engrossed in their own important thoughts, this time it was different, and the silence felt more like a bag over his head than a warm blanket it usually was.

Bad metaphor.

"It was just a coincidence, they…" began Shinpachi, because maybe it could be like a band-aid, that should be taken off with one firm move. Or a duct tape over the a mouth. Annnd another bad metaphor. Very bad metaphor. "… They said it was just a coincidence, and that they needed someone anyway, so the fact that it was, well, me, was just an… icing on cake. But even if it weren't… Gin-san, it..."

"Shinpachi." Interrupted Gin-san, quietly, serious in the way he rarely were and it made Shinpachi all the more aware of the building pressure behind his eyes and the lump in his throat and those stupid painkillers that made him all teary-eyed. He was enough of a crybaby without them, and now, he just felt like crying all the time. Stupid. "Shinpachi, it doesn't…"

"It wasn't your fault!" said Shinpachi loudly, as emphatically as he could muster, and the luck would have it was exactly the moment when Aueue walked in.

There was a beat of a very awkward silence.

"Hello Shin-chan! Gin-san, I just remembered I wanted to talk to the head nurse about the drafts in this place, so if you could stay just a little longer…" Aneue tried to salvage situation, and Shinpachi wanted to leap up from the bed and hug her for that, but it was all for naught. Gin-san just stood up, ruffled Shinpachi's hair in a weird display of affection usually reserved for Kagura, and strolled to the door.

"Those are not drafts, those are winds of change, and a man should never fight them" said Gintoki quickly, guiltily, and practically slithered out of the room before Shinpachi could even begin to try to give a proper tsukkomi answer.

Both Shinpachi and his sister stared at the door for a few seconds, not quite sure how to proceed.

"So, Shin-chan, how was your day? Because I had a really weird meeting with a rabid gorilla…" started Otae, in that deceptively cheerful manner of hers, and Shinpachi let himself be enveloped by small everyday worries and joys of his sister, allowing him to just drift away.

It was a horrible thing to say to Gin-san, he realized suddenly in the middle of his sister's tale of how she bought radishes, because it might not have been about it. Maybe Gin-san didn't feel guilty, and Shinpachi's absolution just made him guilty for not feeling guilty? And besides, wasn't this just an admission that Gin-san HAD every right to feel responsible?

Shinpachi knew he was overthinking it. He always overthought things.

And here he thought he was getting better at saying the right thing at the right time, or keeping quiet in all the good moments, but no. As always, he went and said the wrong thing, at the very wrong time, and he wasn't sure he could look Gin-san in the eyes anymore.

Shinpachi suddenly really, truly longed for some proper laundry day or a good scrubbing of the floors at dojo, so he could just. Stop. Just stop thinking about those things, analysing, remembering, and for it all to right itself.

* * *

What happened thduring that time was:

It was very late, much later than Shinpachi usually left Yorozuya to go back to dojo, but the cleaning took way more time than he expected, and then Sadaharu had a rather… explosive reaction to some old dog food Gin-san bought on sale. Usually, if it got late, Shinpachi would just stay at Yorozuya and come home the next day, but Otae was supposed to have a rare free evening and they planned on having a dinner together. Usually they missed each other – Shinpachi would wake up early, train, leave for Yorozuya, and come back in the evening, and Otae would sleep in, leave for work in the afternoon, and come back late at night. So a rare occasion to just sit in and relax together was precious, and Shinpachi was going to use every minute he could.

Kabuki-cho was a dangerous place, and walking from Yorozuya to the dojo could sometimes be a risky business even in the broad daylight, but Shinpachi wasn't too worried. Gin-san was well known amongst the local residents, and to the lesser extend so was Kagura, so by extension Shinpachi wasn't usually considered to be a worthwhile target for muggers. For numerous and varied reasons. So when three rather nasty looking thugs came forth from the dark alley, and asked if he was 'that Yorozuya Gin-chan brat' he was not overly worried. Of course he was a little worried, because three thugs and a dark alley is never a good combination, but he was tired, his thoughts were already dead set on that very late dinner… so he threw a quick 'yes' and just quickened his pace. Or he would quicken his pace if he could.

The punch caught him by surprise. So did the kick in the gut. He was thrown on the ground, and one of the thugs kicked him in the gut again, making it hard to breathe. He tried to push through pain, and to trip one of them, but it was for nothing, and that cost him some more kicks.

He wasn't good at fighting, even with a sword. Without it, on the ground, he had no chance. He fought, of course he did, but that just made his attackers even more angry. He wasn't strong like Kagura, or Gin-san. The only thing he could do was just to lay there, and wait for them to stop, like a pathetic excuse for a samurai he was. He tried shouting, getting someone's attention, but his lungs were not really listening to him, even breathing was a chore, and he was not sure if he managed anything louder than a whisper.

In the end they smashed something against his head, and the next thing he could remember was another beating, this time in a dark, small room which stunk of fish and blood. It was a methodical, brutal beating, and from that moment on Shinpachi's memories were spotty at best. He was given some water. A man came, syringe in his hand. "Sakata Gintoki destroyed something we worked very hard on. It's only fitting you help us get even." Shouts. Pain. Probably some more beatings. Some talk about Gin-san. Throwing up. Everything being too loud. More talk about Gin-san. Some old man, hoisting him up by the hair. Sounds. Punches. A rope.

* * *

"Oi, what the hell are you doing?!" Hijikata-san's voice felt almost like a physical slap, and Shinpachi, who was falling deeper and deeper into those memories, flinched violently.

The policeman, Nakamura-san, who was sitting in a chair beside Shinpachi's bed, stood up, purposefully, slowly in an almost aggressive way. Hijikata-san and Nakamura-san looked at each other, visibly squaring up for a fight. Shinpachi realized he was shaking, and that his eyes stung painfully. He wasn't crying, but it was a close thing. He really was a crybaby.

Nakamura-san came by earlier, in a rare moment when no one was sitting with Shinpachi. He introduced himself as a detective responsible for the case. He needed a testimony, to close that investigation down, and asked if Shinpachi was well enough to give it. Shinpachi didn't feel bad enough to deny with a clear conscience, so he tried to give a full explanation. It didn't go so well, but he managed to get to his last more or less clear memory. So, a win.

Hijikata-san entered just as the policeman was about to start asking questions.

"This is my case, and I will finish it, no matter what you say", hissed out Nakamura-san, who got red in the face. "I worked for three years to crack that case and I won't let a bunch of village idiots with swords to destroy my hard work."

"Funny, isn't it" said Hijikata-san through clenched teeth, "That those 'village idiots' did in 6 days the job you couldn't finish in 3 years. Your case is closed. We finished it."

"You trampled over it! Now their contacts, their suppliers, their clients, all gone! All disappeared! Because someone had to squash my case like a stupid gorilla in a porcelain store…"

"What did you call Kondou-san?!" spat Hijikata-san, reaching for his sword, and out of reflex Shinpachi said 'YOU are the one calling Kondou-san a gorilla now!' what visibly deflated Hijikata-san. He tsk'ed, and set to light his cigarette. "Nevermind, Nakamura, just go and don't waste my time. If you have a problem, you can always ask Old Man Matsudaira…"

"I don't care what you got that old coot to sign! Shimura is NOT a member of Shinsengumi, and it wasn't your case!" Nakamura was absolutely on a verge of some sort of nervous breakdown, he was breathing hard, his eyes were half-crazed and his whole body was shaking. Shinpachi was seriously considering calling nurses in to stop this, but he did not want to get between those two and besides, he was curious. What happened when he got kidnapped to get Shinsengumi involved?

"Megane… I mean, Shimura is our contractor", drawled Hijikata slowly, visibly calmer now that he lit his cigarette. Shinpachi tried to remember what the Yorozuya recently broke to have to pay Shinsengumi back, because there couldn't be any other explanation for… oh wait, there probably wasn't a job listing for 'future (NOT! NEVER!) brother-in-law of the commander'… "Any action against him could be a sign of terrorist activity against us. We're just doing our job – not that you know how it is…"

"NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE…!" started Nakamura, but was interrupted by a loud noise, followed by a water raining down in the room.

Sprinkles system. Of course.

Somehow, even wet, and surrounded with shouting nurses, Hijikata remained dignified. Shinpachi really envied him.

* * *

Shinpachi was…. Reluctant, that was a good word, not scared, of course not. So Shinpachi was reluctant to be back home. In the hospital, there were noises, voices, people walking, people taking, slight hum of machines and lamps, just always something to remind him that the danger had passed and he was safe now. It wasn't a problem in the first few days after they found him; he was more or less half-conscious at the best of times, but the better he felt, the worse got the feeling of foreboding, of someone watching him from just outside of his field of vision. It was… a bit nerve-wracking.

Calm and quiet dojo, with the only sounds being the rustling of leaves and cracking of the wood, usually made Shinpachi feel at peace. Now, it felt more like a nail on a board. Even his Otsuu's posters seemed all wrong and weird.

Gin-san and Aneue were talking quietly in the corridor, but Shinpachi was quite sure they were both listening intently, as he prepared his futon (he was not an invalid! He could do it!). He had a fleeting, unwanted thought to ask one of them to sleep in his room, but he dismissed it almost instantly. He was not a baby, he would just man up and actually manage to sleep by himself, thank-you very much, besides, what would they think about him…

Shinpachi laid down.

Maybe, just maybe, he could ask… indirectly. Challenge Gin-san to something, to get him to sleep in his room, so that he wouldn't appear to be a big baby he really was. But as hard as he thought he couldn't think of any good reasons for Gin-san to stay. 'Gin-san, the floor here is softer than at Yorozuya, want to check it?' sounded not only stupid, but also like a very bad pick-up line and this was certainly not this kind of fanfic, thank you very much.

"Oi, Shinpachi, do you think the floor in your room is softer than in mine? I think I'll check…" said Gin-san, abruptly appearing in the doorway.

Before Shinpachi could properly process what was being said, he could hear himself answering "Gin-san, that's dumb, why the floor here would be softer?"

Wait. Did Gin-san just… Okay so Shinpachi blew it. Damn his straight-man tendencies!

"Well." Gintoki stood there rather awkwardly, and Shinpachi must have looked equally awkward and everything was just horrible. "Goodnight then, we'll be going, sleep well. KAGURA! WE'RE GOING!"

Shinpachi seriously considered pretending to feel worse, to get them to stay, but then…

Kagura trotted into his room, spare futon in one hand, already in pyjamas.

"You go, Gin-chan, I'm tired" she said with a yawn, throwing her futon next to Shinpachi's. "And Sadaharu's also tired. We're sleeping here today."

And she laid down, pulled the covers up almost to the top of her head, and started snoring unconvincingly. There was a pause where everyone wondered what to make of it.

"I don't know… won't she disturb you, Shin-chan?" asked Aneue, her brow forrowed in concern.

"No, it's good, besides I think she's already asleep", said Shinpachi slowly. "And if she's asleep maybe it's a bad idea to wake her up?"

"I am", agreed Kagura from under the covers, "and it's a very bad idea, uh-huh!"

Gintoki sighed deeply. "I guess there's nothing to be done now, then' he drawled. Say, do you have another futon laying around?"

And so Anaue and Gintoki went in search of a spare futon, after of course saying goodnight and wishing Shinpachi a good night. Shinpachi turn on his side, to look at Kagura. He wondered whether to thank her. He should, but she could be weird about things like this, and besides it would be kind of strange.

"Shinpachi…", whispered Kagura, uncovering a bit of her face, "Are you ok, really?"

"Yeah."

And you know what? In this moment he was.

* * *

**A/N: Hope you liked a little H/C for my boy Shin-chan, please R&R!**


End file.
